You want me to do WHAT to your daughters?

One thing I kind of miss from my early days of living in Japan is the language barrier.  Life can be a lot more entertaining when you do not have the slightest clue as to what is going on.  For example, when a woman invited me to sleep with her twin daughters.

So I was teaching an adult class back when I first moved to Japan.  One of my first classes consisted of several middle aged house wives in a beginning English class.  After a few weeks, one member of the class announced with a grin that I should sleep with her twin daughters.

The rest of the class brightened and nodded in agreement- apparently it would be a very good idea if I slept with the womans twin daughters.

To this notion I replied (being the suave and sophisticated individual that I am)  “uh…..o…k..?”  Now, I am not stupid enough to think for a second that she actually intended for me to sleep sleep with her daughters, but that still didnt change the fact that I could not even begin to guess what she actually meant.

Then another woman piped in “So you will sleep with her daughters?”  To which I managed a confident “Um…..shh..ure?”  At this point all the women were smiling and nodding that this was, in fact, an excellent idea.

Beginning to think that I was becoming the victim of some sort of practical joke, I asked “Why would you want me to sleep with your daughters?”

The reply was “To change your face.” 

“To change my face?”

“Yes.  Maybe your nose can become lower.”

“My nose?”

“Yes, it is too high.”

To make a long story short they were joking about softening my very foreign features from an old folk tale.  The belief was that parents sleeping with a new born baby is what passes on facial features from parents to their children.  Much to my dismay this old folk belief had absolutely nothing to do with menage-a-trois.

The Return of the Yokozuna

Yesterday Mongolian born Yokozuna(Grand Champion Sumo wrestler), Asashoryu returned to Japan.  He also offered his formal apologies for the actions that led to his suspension.

This story begins a few months ago when Asashoryu neglected his duties as Yokozuna, avoiding an exhibition tour, claiming that he needed medical treatment and rest for an injured elbow and a stress fracture in his lower back.

Apparently part of his medical treatment included playing soccer with Japanese professional player in front of TV cameras in a charity event in Mongolia.  Asashoryu later claimed that he had only done so at the request of the Mongolian government and the Japanese Foreign Ministry.

The Sumo Association didn’t buy that story, however, and banned him from the August and November tournaments, marking the first time in the sport’s lengthy history that a Yokozuna has been banned from a main tournament.  His movements were also restricted by the Sumo Association to his home, the hospital, and his training stable.

In a decidedly Britteny Spears like twist to the story, he was diagnosed with acute stress disorder and dissociative order, and was then allowed to return to Mongolia for treatment.

All I can say is at least he wasn’t murdering pit bulls or ex-wives unlike other famous athletes I could mention.

Asashoryu is no stranger to scandal.  Before he was promoted to Yokozuna, he was known to yell or complain after losing matches, something that is very taboo in the formal atmosphere of a sumo match.  Also in July tournament of 2003 Asashoryu pulled the hair of his opponent, which resulted in his immediate disqualification.  He has also been accused of breaking a mirror of a rival’s car. 

Unfortunately these scandals only serve to tarnish the career of what otherwise would be one of the greatest wrestlers Sumo has seen in its 700 year history. 

Flying the Unfriendly skies.

We made the mistake of flying an American airline company to travel to the U.S.

Before, when traveling between the U.S. and Japan, C and I would always buy an American Airlines ticket.  Not that we ever wanted to fly on American Airlines- but, every time we flew AA before, we actually rode on a Japan Airlines jet.  So we got JAL service, a far superior product, for the slightly cheaper AA price, plus we could rack up JAL frequent flier miles.

This sweet arrangement has ended apparently.  This time when we flew back to the States, we rode on a combination JAL/AA flight.  However, we had the misfortune of riding on an AA jet.  (I feel really bad for the poor saps who bought a more expensive JAL ticket but were suckered into an AA flight.)

In addition to the lack of free alcohol (and I generally try to recoup the cost of my ticket on international flights by consuming an equal value in liquor) The AA flight we took was like spending a day in a rest home.  Well that is not a fair comparison, and I apologize to rest homes everywhere. 

The average age of the flight attendants was maybe 65 years old, and most of these golden girls didn’t look a day under 60.  At least one of them was old enough that she probably got her start as a flight attendant for the Wright brothers.

Now, I do not have anything against senior citizens in the work force, as long as they can do the job.  However these flight attendants, in addition to being incredibly surly, asked their customers on more then a few occasions to assist in their duties.  I do have to admit that the plane seemed very new.  It was so new in fact, that the food they served on the plane probably outdated it by at least six months.

My biggest complaint however, was about my carry on.  I play a Japanese musical instrument slightly smaller then the average guitar.  On the AA website they claim that guitars would be allowed as a carry on bag.  I contacted the airlines and described the instrument, its dimensions, and the flight I was taking to make sure I could bring the instrument as my carry on bag.  They replied saying that it would be no problem.  Of course, when I got to the gate, I was forced to check my instrument.  In addition to being lied to when I contacted AA, the staff member at the gate insulted me and laughed at me for being indignant about insisting on bringing on my carry on.

So my question is, why does the U.S. government insist on bailing out the airline companies?  It is not just American Airlines that has poor service, in the last two years I have had the misfortune of flying United and Southwest as well.  I have flown on several different companies from several different countries.  Airline companies based in the States have an almost uniformly poor service.  In fact, everyone I know that flies more then once a decade does everything they can to avoid flying on a U.S. carrier.  The airlines do not need more bail-outs.  They need to offer a service worth buying.

Next time I have to cross the Pacific if faced with the choice of taking a U.S. airline or swimming, I think I would try the latter.

All I need now is my “00”

In about fifteen hours I will no longer be a resident of Japan.

I found out that the only way to not to pay the expensive residence tax is to give up my visa.  At least getting a residence visa in Japan is no where near as difficult as getting a residence visa in the States.

On the way back from getting a few odds and ends tied up, we were delayed by a good ninety minutes.  This was due to a traffic jam caused by a tiny fender-bender of an accident.  When I am delayed that long by traffic, I want to see blood on the asphalt.  Ok, I do not wantto see blood, but I didn`t want to be held up in traffic either.  I just want to be able to say “Ok, I was held up by thirty minutes, but that guy lost part of his hand.  Thus the cosmic balance is restored.”  I mean, if I am inconvenienced in the slightest, I at least want a decent reason for it.  Rough guidelines for maintaining karmic balance between other`s tragedy and my inconvienince are as follows-

30 min delay- massive vehicle damage.

1 Hour delay- Maiming.

2 hour delay- three words “Orphanage bus fire.”

My wallet currently holds $50 U.S.,  200 Euros, 5,000 yen and a random assortment of British Pounds, Thai Baht, Korean Won, and Chinese Yuan.  It also contains various IDs in Japanese and in English.  I feel mildly like a secret agent, though, obviously not a very well-funded one. 

Neither C nor I are looking forward to another trans-Pacific flight.  At least we can say our biggest concerns at this point is weather or not they will let me take my shamisen as my carry-on and weather or not the in-flight movies are any good.  Obviously, things are not going too poorly.  Next time I update will be from the states.

Living in Japan: One thing that I won’t miss.

It seems to be the God given right of young men everywhere to be as ridiculous and annoying as possible.  Or at least they act like it is. 

As C and I get down to the last few days of living in Japan, we are waxing a bit nostalgic about what we will miss after we leave.

One thing that we absolutely will not miss at all are mini-bikes.  They are not something I ever really recall seeing in the states, and the riders of these circus-reject contraptions manage to be about as annoying as humanly possible without inciting mass murder. (I did, however spend more then a few minutes fantasizing about it.)

A mini-bike is well, a miniature motorcycle, and they are almost exclusively ridden by men under the age of twenty-five.  Now what makes these damnable contraptions so infuriating is pretty simple.   Mini-bike riders, in their quest to be as annoying as possible, remove the machine’s muffler, or use one that seems to be basically useless in actually muffling the engine noise. (Apparently there are no nuisance laws here.)  Mini-bike riders then choose to express their individuality by riding in large packs of five to fifteen bikes, all of whom comply with safety regulations by wearing their helmets hanging off the back of their heads, strap around their throat.  (Another well-written ordinance here in Japan.)

Finally, in what seems to be a bid to make sixty second trimester abortions legal, the bike riders spend most of their time coasting in neutral, while constantly revving their engine.

So you have a pack of five mini-bikes, no mufflers, coasting slowly down the street, all of whom are constantly racing their engine.  Thus ensuring that wherever they go, good times are had by none.

Outside of cruising down residential streets, they also like to go to the beach on nice, peaceful days and ride around in circles in the parking lot.  This way they can share the sound of their bikes engine with hundreds of people at a time.  They also like to put in an appearance at the spring time cherry-blossom viewing.

I think that the only way that I could ever live in Japan long-term again is if there was an open hunting season on these fine young gentlemen at least three months out of the year.  My only consolation thus far has been imagining a massive mini-bike pile-up, with their mis-worn helmets popping off heads like champagne corks. 

But I am not passive aggressive at all.

One of the best movies you will probably never see.

The Japanese movie Bushi no Ichibun was released in the U.S. on November 2nd as Love and Honor.

So yes, I am a bit behind the times. But if you get a chance to see this movie do yourself a favor and check it out.

Personally I my preference in movies leans towards those that involve guns. Or dinosaurs. Or dinosaurs with guns. But until some Hollywood bigwig buys my script for Ninja Dinosaurs Vs. Vixen Amazon Samurai With Guns IV (Hey, Starwars started with #4 too! It is a recipe for success!) I will have to make do with lesser films. One of the best of these lesser films (it lacks both guns AND dinosaurs AND car chases.) is Love and Honor. (Bushi no Ichibun)

In spite of it being a “samurai” movie it almost has a complete lack of bloodshed. Instead it focuses on things like “story” and “plot” and “character development” stuff that, in general I try to avoid. Kimura Takuya, singer from the “Boy-Band” SMAP (I use that term loosely as they haven’t been boys since the Reagan administration.) spends a busy two hours in Love and Honor proving that he does in fact posses some talent, though admittedly not in the singing or dancing department.

In all seriousness though, In a nutshell, Kimura is a low level samurai who works as a professional food taster who is blinded by poisonous fish. He and his wife must then deal with depression, financial crises, love and betrayal as the vultures come circling in. It is one of the best movies I have seen in the last year, and one of the few Japanese movies I have seen where I thought “Wow, someone really should subtitle that movie and release it in the states.” Then I remember that most people have no taste. (For proof submit every Eddie Murphy movie since Beverly Hills Cop 2)

The movie itself forms the final instalment of a loose trilogy that focuses on hard-luck samurai. The previous two movies (Twilight Samurai and Hidden Blade) are already available on English-subtitled DVD. Both are excellent films but from what I have seen most people agree with me that they are not of the same caliber as Love and Honor.

The following clip actually has nothing to do with the movie Love and Honor, other then it also involves samurai and is also full to the brim with awesome.

Teaching in Japan: The Silver Lining of Nova`s collapse

Hubris.

I have been avoiding writing about the Nova scandal but it is no longer impossible to ignore the elephant in the room. For those of you who do not know, Nova is the largest English conversation school (eikaiwa) in Japan. With roughly seven thousand foreign language teachers and staff in its employ and nearly 420,000 students. Wait a minute…sorry, all of that should have been in the past tense.

Nova, the eikaiwa giant, is no more, and no amount of cuteness in its pink bunny logo can save it now.

Over the last few months the company has been disintegrating and now it seems there is no hope of a recovery. Its staff is basically unemployed, many of whom are still owed their salary from August. Nova, a company that advertised on television, in the airport, and was a nearly ubiquitous feature in Japanese train stations, had reached nearly iconic status. Shortly its rotting corpse will be thrown on the trash heap of history and I say good riddance.

I do salute the loyalty of the staff members who have worked diligently for months without pay, but I have to point out that it was pretty dumb to do so, considering how terribly Nova treated their employees. I have a lot more sympathy for the students who, for the most part, pay upfront for expensive year long contracts, and now, for the most part are basically screwed out of their money.

Nova`s main problem was hubris. It controlled nearly 50% of the Eikaiwa market with a widely recognised brand. Apparently it thought it could get away with a number of shenanigans indefinitely. After talking to several (ex) Nova employees it seems that the primary criteria for being hired at Nova was having a pulse. Until recently its core curriculum was apparently centered around a series of texts written in the 1970`s to teach English to Mexican immigrants living in America. Obviously this was a good choice because Spanish is so very similar to Japanese. In addition, students were not tied to any one teacher, making it impossible to tailor a class to the needs of any individual student. To overcome this problem, Nova created a rigid, factory like curriculum that while forcing untalented, uninterested teachers (of whom there were many) to teach at a minimum level, it also forced talented, dedicated, hardworking teachers (of whom there were many) to teach at a minimum level.

It was a great way to build customer loyalty, locking customers into a long, expensive contract (but a relatively cheap cost per lesson) for a barely acceptable product. If they wanted out they were refunded a fraction of their money.

There are also several rumors that long term, experienced and higher paid teachers would not get their contracts renewed in order to be replaced with newer, inexperienced, and lower paid instructors. The fact of the matter is that average full-time salaries have been falling for several years. With the government mandated minimum of 250,000 yen a month that can only mean that experienced teachers are being replaced with new blood. In addition to that, Nova in recent years has been increasingly avoiding the regulated minimum wage by hiring “part-time teachers” who were worked just shy of full time and paid a subsistence level wage. In addition to that Nova teachers were apparently defrauded as standard practice. Moving into a new apartment is quite expensive in Japan, with landlords frequently requiring up to six months rent as a deposit. So Nova rented out apartments and sublet them to their employees. The catch being that they would cram three strangers in a two or one bedroom apartment and charge them (for example) 35,000 yen/month each when the total rent on the apartment could be as low as 70,000 yen/month.

What a great way to build employee loyalty. Seriously. The fact that their staff did not abandon the company like rats from a sinking ship when their first paycheck was held says a lot about more about the character of their staff then it does about the management of the company. Or gullibility. Or both.

So what is the silver lining? Well, not a whole lot to be honest.

There is a chance, however slim, that this could be a good thing for language students in Japan. Nova was the 800 lb gorilla in the Eikaiwa biz. Without Nova, perhaps the industry can evolve from an expensive hobby staffed by tourist-teachers into one that provides meaningful instruction in foreign languages.

The main question is will the now-wizened Japanese consumer seek out and demand qualified and talented instructors, and be willing to pay for a quality product, or will they be duped again by a cute mascot and deceptively low prices?

Living in Japan: Turning on the Cold

Japanese people insist that Japan has four seasons. If you hear them tell it, Japan just might be the only place in the world that has four seasons. Where I live in Japan, however, this is patently false.

One question I am frequently asked here is “Do you have four seasons in your home country?” To which I reply “No, I am from southern California. We only have two seasons, pretty warm and kind of warm.” However, what they do not want to hear, is that southern Japan, at least, really only has two seasons as well- uncomfortably hot and humid and uncomfortably cold and dry. There is, at most, a two week transitional period between the hot and cold seasons. These two week periods are labeled “Spring” and “Fall” respectively. (Or Autumn, if their first English instructor was from the U.K.)

No, compared to some places the summers here are not that hot, nor are the winters that cold. However, most buildings in Japan are not properly insulated. In addition to that, traditional Japanese architecture was designed when there was no air conditioning and is meant to be as cool as possible in the summer, and most dwellings still follow this general plan. What this means today is that during the summer, you are almost always hot and winter means you are almost always cold.

Many people, especially Canadians, do not really grasp this concept, and they say “Ha-HA! I am from Canada where in the winter it gets down to minus one billion degrees! You Americans just do not know what cold is!”

Well the fact is that they do not know what cold is, either. Most places where it gets cold, really cold, in the winter, people move from their heated homes to their heated garages, get in in their heated cars and drive to their heated offices or stores.

There is a reason that electronic, heated toilet seats sell so well in Japan. A general lack of insulation along with a reliance on kerosene heaters mean that if it is zero degrees outside, then when you wake up to use the toilet early in the a.m…. that toilet seat is most likely a roasty toasty zero degrees as well. In the words of one foreigner living in Japan- “Wow… where I am from we just heat the whole house.” I have, on occasion, found the inside of my freezer to be slightly warmer then the rest of my apartment. The refrigerator was down right toasty.

Of course, in the office the thermostat is run by the boss. All bosses only have two settings on their thermostat- way too hot and way too cold. Which they use depends both on the season and if the boss is actually present in the office. If the boss is present in the office, then the thermostat is always set so that in winter people are passing out from the heat where in summer, the occasional case of frostbite is not unknown. If the boss is not present, then the settings are reversed- During winter at most, a single candle may be used for heat, but only after the temperature has dropped below freezing. During the summer the aircon may be employed, but the thermostat must be set at thirty degrees Celsius. This is because companies in Japan view their workers like family, and as everyone knows, most people hate their family.
Since I have returned from Europe, the weather started as rather warm, but day by day the temperature is dropping and I am looking forward to a nice, warm California winter.

Japanese Music that doesnt Suck: The Blue Hearts

Japanese music has largely not penetrated the consciousness of the west. And for good reason- the vast majority of it is pretty darn terrible. A nearly endless parade of unremarkable female singers singing forgettable songs about interchangeable boyfriends. Now, don`t get me wrong, most music that is made anywhere is bad, but most Japanese pop music has melodies so trite, lyrics so saccharine sweet, that even June Cleaver would call it lame.

Ok, its hard to get away from the lyrics that, when translated into English, would make the teeniest of teeny-boppers cringe… But there are a few bands worth listening to. One of these is a punk band from the late 80`s and early`90s called The Blue Hearts.

While they still occasionally suffer from the sappy-lyric syndrome, they did manage to get themselves banned from television for a year due to their habit of cursing between songs and spitting on a camera. In addition to their relatively harsh sound, a lot of their popularity was due to the energy and charisma of their lead singer, Komoto Hiroto. (His charisma stemming largely from the fact that he acted like a total crack head on stage, yet very humble when he gave interviews.)

Unfortunately for them, their sound was ten years out of date by the time they started playing and the era of punk music that they would have been perfect for had already passed them by. But in a country that is notorious for carefully scripting and crafting every aspect of a public figure`s life and performance, they are one of the few examples of a musician able to do largely what they wanted.

The band broke up in 1995. The lead singer reformed a band called The High Lows, then a succession of increasingly obscure bands. His insistence on only playing music that he wanted to meant that his sound was increasingly irrelevant to the people that actually bought albums and concert tickets.

Here you can find their two biggest hits- Train Train and Linda Linda.

Being to belt out either one of these at a karaoke bar in Japan will make you be crowned karaoke hero for the night. 100% guaranteed.

My personal favorite is Jyounetsu no Bara (Rose of Passion)

Sumo Explained, or the Joys of Fat Men Bumping into Each Other.

A dirt circle. Two hugely fat men dressed in diapers. Another guy that looks like he just stepped out of a Harry Potter movie. What is this? Ah yes, the sport of Sumo. The only sport listed in the top 10 of greatest things ever.

Sumo in its modern form is about 700 years old, originating as a Shinto (Japan’s native religion) ritual for the Fox god. The modern sport still retains many of the original rituals. The objective is simple, to throw your opponent out of the ring, or make him touch the ground with a part of his body other then the soles of his feet.

Sumo is divided into professional and amateur divisions. There are no weight divisions. Sumo tournaments are held every other month and run 15 days each. A professional wrestler will compete every day, amateurs, every other day. The typical sumo wrestler begins full time training at the age of fifteen, as high school is not compulsory in Japan.

Ranks in sumo are very fluid. After each tournament, a committee examines each wrestler. In a tournament, a record of 8-7 means that the rikishi`s standing can improve. A record of 7-8 means the rikishi`s standing can drop. If he improves enough his record enough, he can advance to a higher rank. If he maintains a poor enough record, his rank can drop. The only stationary rank is the highest- yokozuna. yokozunas that cant perform consistently well any longer are encouraged to retire. Everyone else, however, rises and falls with their standings based primarily on the last few tournaments. Rise high enough or fall far enough and the wrestler may even switch between the professional and amateur rankings. The bottom of the professional rankings makes about $150,000 a year. The top of the amateur rankings makes $15,000 a year. Professional wrestlers get to spend their time out side of training eating, drinking, and making love to beautiful women. Amateurs spend their time cleaning and cooking and washing those many hard to reach nether regions the professional rikishi in their stable.

This combined with the fact there is no off season creates a tremendous amount of stress on the rikishi. In other combative sports, the participants get the chance to reach peak physical condition. In sumo, with its bi-monthly tournaments, rikishi can never rest or stop training. Turf-toe? Dislocations? You train. Just had surgery? Other athletes would get the rest of the season off, and nearly a year to heal. A rikishi might get two or three months. Many simply cannot handle the constant physical and mental stress. It is not uncommon to hear that a rikishi has run off and joined a cult. Asashoryu, the senior Yokozuna, is himself in the midst of a Britney Spears type melt down. No shaving of heads or pierced nipples yet, but he seems determined to ruin his career, even though he may be (have been?) one of the greatest wrestlers ever.

Winning a tournament is simply a matter of winning a greater number of matches then anyone else. If there is a tie at the end of the last day, a simple tie-breaker match is held. The winner gets such fabulous prizes as several hundred kilograms of rice, a hundred kilos of beef, and a variety of fresh produce. No, I am not kidding. I am not certain what one does with enough agricultural products to feed an average family for a few years. Wrestlers are fat but jeez….

Yokozuna, is not “The Champion” per se (though the title does translate to “grand champion”) but simply the highest rank of rikishi. Yokozuna, as mentioned before is the only set rank. Once a wrestler is promoted to Yokozuna, the only way out is retirement. The criteria for being promoted to Yokozuna is as difficult as it is simple- win two consecutive tournaments while holding the rank of Ozeki. He also has to have a suitable character. This last bit was used to prevent Konishiki Yasokichi (Hawaiian born Samoan Saleva`a Fuauli Atisano`e) from ascending to the ultimate rank- he would have been the first non-Japanese Yokozuna in history. Konishiki is what most people think of when they think of sumo wrestlers. At a slim, trim, and svelte 600 lbs he was the heaviest rikishi ever, and nearly double the weight of an average wrestler.

The next highest rank is that of “Ozeki” and while this translates to “champion” it does not require winning a single tournament. Why? I do not know. I think the Japanese enjoy making things difficult for the sake of making things difficult.

Here’s a video of Ama (Mongolia, 215 lbs) vs. Baruto (Estonia, 379 lbs)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPqQDKxRrfg

Ama, though the smallest professionally ranked Rikishi, is very successful and tends to bounce around the middling professional ranks. As you can see, there is no weight divisions whatsoever in Sumo. So back when Konishiki (the big Samoan) was competing, he frequently was facing opponents less then half his size.

Here is the very popular Takamisakari (Japan). People love him because hes a little undersized for a rikishi, he has a very boyish personality, and the fact that he is myopic, and virtually blind in the ring. The biggest reason however, is he marches like a robot in and out of the ring, beats the crap out of himself just before the match begins and generally acts like a complete dork.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMKoDmi6fxo

Here’s a full clip. These guys are low rank nobodies, so they do not get as much time to prepare. The leg lift and arm thing is to show they aren’t carrying any weapons into the match. The salt and the stomping is to purify the ring. The waving of arms and displaying their crotch is to show they aren’t concealing any weapons. Higher ranked rikishi get more time to try and psych each other out. They also get to wipe their armpits with a towel and then rub their face in it. I think they use the smell to try and drive themselves into a berserk rage. I could be wrong, however.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvHpXRnM250

One thing that you may notice is that the referee does not start the match. The two wrestlers themselves, supposedly when all four hands are touching the ground at the same time. In practice, however, this is rarely the case and jumping the gun is fairly common.

If there is interest I will delve deeper into that king of sports- Sumo.