Living in Japan: One thing that I won’t miss.

It seems to be the God given right of young men everywhere to be as ridiculous and annoying as possible.  Or at least they act like it is. 

As C and I get down to the last few days of living in Japan, we are waxing a bit nostalgic about what we will miss after we leave.

One thing that we absolutely will not miss at all are mini-bikes.  They are not something I ever really recall seeing in the states, and the riders of these circus-reject contraptions manage to be about as annoying as humanly possible without inciting mass murder. (I did, however spend more then a few minutes fantasizing about it.)

A mini-bike is well, a miniature motorcycle, and they are almost exclusively ridden by men under the age of twenty-five.  Now what makes these damnable contraptions so infuriating is pretty simple.   Mini-bike riders, in their quest to be as annoying as possible, remove the machine’s muffler, or use one that seems to be basically useless in actually muffling the engine noise. (Apparently there are no nuisance laws here.)  Mini-bike riders then choose to express their individuality by riding in large packs of five to fifteen bikes, all of whom comply with safety regulations by wearing their helmets hanging off the back of their heads, strap around their throat.  (Another well-written ordinance here in Japan.)

Finally, in what seems to be a bid to make sixty second trimester abortions legal, the bike riders spend most of their time coasting in neutral, while constantly revving their engine.

So you have a pack of five mini-bikes, no mufflers, coasting slowly down the street, all of whom are constantly racing their engine.  Thus ensuring that wherever they go, good times are had by none.

Outside of cruising down residential streets, they also like to go to the beach on nice, peaceful days and ride around in circles in the parking lot.  This way they can share the sound of their bikes engine with hundreds of people at a time.  They also like to put in an appearance at the spring time cherry-blossom viewing.

I think that the only way that I could ever live in Japan long-term again is if there was an open hunting season on these fine young gentlemen at least three months out of the year.  My only consolation thus far has been imagining a massive mini-bike pile-up, with their mis-worn helmets popping off heads like champagne corks. 

But I am not passive aggressive at all.

Sumo Explained, or the Joys of Fat Men Bumping into Each Other.

A dirt circle. Two hugely fat men dressed in diapers. Another guy that looks like he just stepped out of a Harry Potter movie. What is this? Ah yes, the sport of Sumo. The only sport listed in the top 10 of greatest things ever.

Sumo in its modern form is about 700 years old, originating as a Shinto (Japan’s native religion) ritual for the Fox god. The modern sport still retains many of the original rituals. The objective is simple, to throw your opponent out of the ring, or make him touch the ground with a part of his body other then the soles of his feet.

Sumo is divided into professional and amateur divisions. There are no weight divisions. Sumo tournaments are held every other month and run 15 days each. A professional wrestler will compete every day, amateurs, every other day. The typical sumo wrestler begins full time training at the age of fifteen, as high school is not compulsory in Japan.

Ranks in sumo are very fluid. After each tournament, a committee examines each wrestler. In a tournament, a record of 8-7 means that the rikishi`s standing can improve. A record of 7-8 means the rikishi`s standing can drop. If he improves enough his record enough, he can advance to a higher rank. If he maintains a poor enough record, his rank can drop. The only stationary rank is the highest- yokozuna. yokozunas that cant perform consistently well any longer are encouraged to retire. Everyone else, however, rises and falls with their standings based primarily on the last few tournaments. Rise high enough or fall far enough and the wrestler may even switch between the professional and amateur rankings. The bottom of the professional rankings makes about $150,000 a year. The top of the amateur rankings makes $15,000 a year. Professional wrestlers get to spend their time out side of training eating, drinking, and making love to beautiful women. Amateurs spend their time cleaning and cooking and washing those many hard to reach nether regions the professional rikishi in their stable.

This combined with the fact there is no off season creates a tremendous amount of stress on the rikishi. In other combative sports, the participants get the chance to reach peak physical condition. In sumo, with its bi-monthly tournaments, rikishi can never rest or stop training. Turf-toe? Dislocations? You train. Just had surgery? Other athletes would get the rest of the season off, and nearly a year to heal. A rikishi might get two or three months. Many simply cannot handle the constant physical and mental stress. It is not uncommon to hear that a rikishi has run off and joined a cult. Asashoryu, the senior Yokozuna, is himself in the midst of a Britney Spears type melt down. No shaving of heads or pierced nipples yet, but he seems determined to ruin his career, even though he may be (have been?) one of the greatest wrestlers ever.

Winning a tournament is simply a matter of winning a greater number of matches then anyone else. If there is a tie at the end of the last day, a simple tie-breaker match is held. The winner gets such fabulous prizes as several hundred kilograms of rice, a hundred kilos of beef, and a variety of fresh produce. No, I am not kidding. I am not certain what one does with enough agricultural products to feed an average family for a few years. Wrestlers are fat but jeez….

Yokozuna, is not “The Champion” per se (though the title does translate to “grand champion”) but simply the highest rank of rikishi. Yokozuna, as mentioned before is the only set rank. Once a wrestler is promoted to Yokozuna, the only way out is retirement. The criteria for being promoted to Yokozuna is as difficult as it is simple- win two consecutive tournaments while holding the rank of Ozeki. He also has to have a suitable character. This last bit was used to prevent Konishiki Yasokichi (Hawaiian born Samoan Saleva`a Fuauli Atisano`e) from ascending to the ultimate rank- he would have been the first non-Japanese Yokozuna in history. Konishiki is what most people think of when they think of sumo wrestlers. At a slim, trim, and svelte 600 lbs he was the heaviest rikishi ever, and nearly double the weight of an average wrestler.

The next highest rank is that of “Ozeki” and while this translates to “champion” it does not require winning a single tournament. Why? I do not know. I think the Japanese enjoy making things difficult for the sake of making things difficult.

Here’s a video of Ama (Mongolia, 215 lbs) vs. Baruto (Estonia, 379 lbs)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPqQDKxRrfg

Ama, though the smallest professionally ranked Rikishi, is very successful and tends to bounce around the middling professional ranks. As you can see, there is no weight divisions whatsoever in Sumo. So back when Konishiki (the big Samoan) was competing, he frequently was facing opponents less then half his size.

Here is the very popular Takamisakari (Japan). People love him because hes a little undersized for a rikishi, he has a very boyish personality, and the fact that he is myopic, and virtually blind in the ring. The biggest reason however, is he marches like a robot in and out of the ring, beats the crap out of himself just before the match begins and generally acts like a complete dork.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMKoDmi6fxo

Here’s a full clip. These guys are low rank nobodies, so they do not get as much time to prepare. The leg lift and arm thing is to show they aren’t carrying any weapons into the match. The salt and the stomping is to purify the ring. The waving of arms and displaying their crotch is to show they aren’t concealing any weapons. Higher ranked rikishi get more time to try and psych each other out. They also get to wipe their armpits with a towel and then rub their face in it. I think they use the smell to try and drive themselves into a berserk rage. I could be wrong, however.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvHpXRnM250

One thing that you may notice is that the referee does not start the match. The two wrestlers themselves, supposedly when all four hands are touching the ground at the same time. In practice, however, this is rarely the case and jumping the gun is fairly common.

If there is interest I will delve deeper into that king of sports- Sumo.

Living in Japan: The only word you need to know.

Near mastery of the Japanese language comes from the mastery of just one word. Seriously. You may think I am pulling your leg… but I am most definitely not.

“But what about all those language books? What about people who study the language for years? Surely the entire language cant be reduced to just one word!”

I say, however, that it can. All those books and language courses covering verbs? Kanji? Grammatical structure? It is all just a gimmick to extract more money from you, the unwary consumer.

Sure, if you study the language in depth you may be able to understand and appreciate the subtle nuances of the Japanese language. However, as my mastery of the language increases I have discovered one inconvenient truth.

Like most speakers of the English language, many speakers of Japanese have little to say that is very interesting.

For a long time when speaking with people in English, I have found it is far more interesting to not listen to what they have to say, but rather carry on an imaginary conversation. Either that or play Tetris in my head, a game at which I am becoming quite proficient. (In my head, not in real life.) Now, more and more, I find that I am forced to do the same things when speaking Japanese in order to preserve my sanity. The more I study Japanese, the less return I get from my investment. In this article, I seek to give you, the reader, maximum return for minimum investment.

If I were to write a book on learning the Japanese language, it would contain one thousand pages. One page would contain text. The other nine hundred and ninety nine would just be pictures of samurai swords (nihon-to!) and Sumo wrestlers.
(Because the only thing in this world cooler then Sumo wrestlers and samurai swords are Sumo wrestlers with samurai swords.)

So I can hear you already yelling at your screen, impotent with rage- “What is the word, that we may too, have an absolute mastery over the Japanese language?”

The word is “Chotto.”

Technically, it means “little” or “a little” but in reality it means so much more.

For example say someone asks you “Would you like some more tea?” you can reply with “mmmm…. chotto.” Which is shorthand for “Yes, thank you for your offer, I would indeed like some more tea, please.”

Or if someone asks you to a social engagement to which you are unable or unwilling to attend, you can reply with “(sucking air between clenched teeth) … cho-ttoooo…” which is shorthand for “Thank you very much for the invitation, but I am sorry to say I must respectfully decline.”

Or if you see someone about to inadvertently put themselves in danger you can yell “Chotto! Chotto chotto!” which is shorthand for “Excuse me, but you are about to commit an act in which I fear you may place yourself in physical danger. Please take another moment to reconsider and to pay a bit more attention to your immediate surroundings.”

Or perhaps you are at a club with your significant other, and an interloper is becoming far to familiar with your date you can give them a stern “CHO-tto!” which, of course, is shorthand for “Pardon me, but I must say that you are becoming a bit friendlier with my date then I feel exactly comfortable with. If you do not cease and desist post-haste, I am afraid I will have to resort to fisticuffs to resolve the situation and to protect mine and my romantic partner`s honor.”

Or perhaps, after failing yet another game of Tetris you could express your frustration with a heartfelt “choottooooooo…” which is a convenient shorthand for “I must say, after much study and preparation, I feel my progress is not what it should be. I lament yet again at the unfairness of life, and while all is rosy and fair with all the other inhabitants of this glorious celestial sphere, my life is the nexus of all sorrow and pain. My only recourse is to write bad poetry, wear second hand clothes, and listen to untalented musicians.”

There are many other uses of the word “chotto” but you will simply just have to wait until my thousand page book is published.