River travel in Germany and Austria

Just got back yesterday from a family trip.

Five of us took a week long river cruise from Nuremburg, Germany to Vienna, Austria.  It was, on the whole, much better then I expected.  C and I like to try and do as much as possible while we travel.  The river cruise forced us to relax and take it easy.  Too be honest it was nice not having to re-learn public transportation systems, search for hotels and restaurants etc.  Towards the end however, C and I joked that we felt a bit like cattle- wake up, eat, be herded around, eat, rest, eat, sleep and repeat.

Nuremburg and Vienna were the only larger cities we visited.  We also had a day in Salzburg and the rest were tiny, picturesque towns along the Danube.

While the trip itself was quite nice and we were lucky to have near perfect (if COLD) weather for the entire trip.  However, on the trip to and from central Europe, Murphy was a constant traveling companion.

On the day we left for Europe, we hired a shuttle bus to take us too the Airport.  The appointed time came and went, so we called the company.

Turns out that the driver scheduled to take us simply decided not to show up to work that day and another driver was on the way.  So we waited for the new driver, but he still did not show up.  So we called the company again, and turns out the driver was lost.

After the driver shows up and we pile into the van, he runs completely up and over a curb while making a right hand turn.

Then we see him constantly fussing with a GPS rig.  Apparently he had absolutely no idea how to reach THE AIRPORT.  So we had to give him directions and nursemaid him all the way to our gate.  He also had trouble staying in his lane, and almost side swiped a semi-truck. (My parents still gave him a tiny tip, however, my tip to him was to learn to friggen drive.)

Then at the check in counter the clerk decided to only print four out of the five sets of boarding passes, and getting the situation fixed became a fifteen minute ordeal.

Of course, C is hasseled repeatedly at every security check.  One of the problems is that she changed her name when we married.  Airport security personnel, possessing an average IQ equivalent to that of a Rhesus Monkey cannot understand the large, bold printing that reads “Passport amended; see page XX” – where it states that her legal name has been changed.  After explaining to them, and on occasion, their supervisor, the simple matter that C has had one of her legal names changed, she still got pulled out of line at almost every leg of our journey.  Either they check everyone that is even the least bit unusual, or they are perverts looking to pester a beautiful woman.  Personally, I think the latter explanation is correct.

Then of course is the actual flight itself.  My parents paid for this trip, and the tour company told them that this was a Lufthansa flight.  We were happy with this because, as I have previously mentioned, American based airline companies are bottom of the barrel. 

This was not exactly an outright lie, as the last leg (hour) of our trip was on a Lufthansa plane, making it, technically, a Lufthansa flight.  (More on this later)

The other fourteen hours (LAX to SFO, SFO to Frankfurt) were on United Airlines.  The 747 we flew on from Frisco to Frankfurt was old.  (To be honest, every United 747 I have been on seems to have been old enough that one could expect stone spear heads to be uncovered if they ever bothered to renovate)

The in flight movies did not work.  Now airplane movies are generally mediocre at best, however I did not realize how important they were in helping one to forget that one is trapped in a little tube with four hundred strangers suspended a few nautical miles in the air.  By hour nine somewhere over the Atlantic the various cabins of the plane had descended into Lord of the Flies-esque inter-tribal warfare.  (I tried to seize power as war-chief but my long legs and the fully reclined seat ahead of me conspired to keep me pinned securely in seat 58-e.) 

Needless to say, morale was not improved when they announced that due to some mistake, a full supply of food had not been stowed, and that it would be really nice if some people could volunteer to not eat.  I volunteered to eat one of the flight attendants instead.

When we finally arrived in Nuremburg, we were pleased to discover two things.  One is that my father’s luggage was missing.  Two, is that my wife’s brand new, hard shell suitcase was destroyed.  One corner was entirely punched in.  On the other side, there was a large crack.  The entire exterior, that just a few hours before had been a shiny metallic silver, was now covered in black, red, and green stains. 

Now, the one silver lining in all this.  Remember how I said that since the last leg of the flight was on Lufthansa, it was technically a Lufthansa flight?  It also means that we got to deal with Lufthansa baggage service.  My father’s bag magically appeared in his cabin just a few hours after we left the airport.  My wife get fully reimbursed for her destroyed bag and it took only a couple of minutes at the Lufthansa baggage service.

More on the rest of the trip tomorrow.  This post is turning into a full length novel.

You want me to do WHAT to your daughters?

One thing I kind of miss from my early days of living in Japan is the language barrier.  Life can be a lot more entertaining when you do not have the slightest clue as to what is going on.  For example, when a woman invited me to sleep with her twin daughters.

So I was teaching an adult class back when I first moved to Japan.  One of my first classes consisted of several middle aged house wives in a beginning English class.  After a few weeks, one member of the class announced with a grin that I should sleep with her twin daughters.

The rest of the class brightened and nodded in agreement- apparently it would be a very good idea if I slept with the womans twin daughters.

To this notion I replied (being the suave and sophisticated individual that I am)  “uh…..o…k..?”  Now, I am not stupid enough to think for a second that she actually intended for me to sleep sleep with her daughters, but that still didnt change the fact that I could not even begin to guess what she actually meant.

Then another woman piped in “So you will sleep with her daughters?”  To which I managed a confident “Um…..shh..ure?”  At this point all the women were smiling and nodding that this was, in fact, an excellent idea.

Beginning to think that I was becoming the victim of some sort of practical joke, I asked “Why would you want me to sleep with your daughters?”

The reply was “To change your face.” 

“To change my face?”

“Yes.  Maybe your nose can become lower.”

“My nose?”

“Yes, it is too high.”

To make a long story short they were joking about softening my very foreign features from an old folk tale.  The belief was that parents sleeping with a new born baby is what passes on facial features from parents to their children.  Much to my dismay this old folk belief had absolutely nothing to do with menage-a-trois.

Montel Williams threatens National Security

So I read another article of “B” list celebrities behaving stupidly here.  The gist of it is Montel Williams made bizarre threats against reporters who were covering charity work he was doing.

My favorite line from the article is Montel Williams telling someone “Do you know who I am? I’m a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up.”

Which is hilarious for so many reasons.  Since when has Montel Williams become a big star?  He runs a day time talk show that is about as hard hitting as a Barbara Walters interview.  As for blowing people up, the only domestic terrorists in recent years have been backed by PETA,  so unless he plans to join Ingrid Newkirk’s cult, he might find it hard to carry out his threats.

My question is, however, does anyone else lose a little respect for celebrities who champion causes that affect them?  I don’t blame anyone for trying to escape the clutches of some horrible disease, but, I have to be a little cynical when they try to take on the mantle of selfless devotee of the afflicted, when, they are really only trying to keep their own butt out of the coffin.  Yes, some good comes out of people like Christopher Reeve, Montel Williams, and Michael J. Fox raising cash for a worthy cause.  I wonder how much attention they paid before their own lives were on the line.

 It seems that people like Elizabeth Taylor and Gregory Peck who raise money for diseases they do not actually have, are becoming increasingly rare.

The Return of the Yokozuna

Yesterday Mongolian born Yokozuna(Grand Champion Sumo wrestler), Asashoryu returned to Japan.  He also offered his formal apologies for the actions that led to his suspension.

This story begins a few months ago when Asashoryu neglected his duties as Yokozuna, avoiding an exhibition tour, claiming that he needed medical treatment and rest for an injured elbow and a stress fracture in his lower back.

Apparently part of his medical treatment included playing soccer with Japanese professional player in front of TV cameras in a charity event in Mongolia.  Asashoryu later claimed that he had only done so at the request of the Mongolian government and the Japanese Foreign Ministry.

The Sumo Association didn’t buy that story, however, and banned him from the August and November tournaments, marking the first time in the sport’s lengthy history that a Yokozuna has been banned from a main tournament.  His movements were also restricted by the Sumo Association to his home, the hospital, and his training stable.

In a decidedly Britteny Spears like twist to the story, he was diagnosed with acute stress disorder and dissociative order, and was then allowed to return to Mongolia for treatment.

All I can say is at least he wasn’t murdering pit bulls or ex-wives unlike other famous athletes I could mention.

Asashoryu is no stranger to scandal.  Before he was promoted to Yokozuna, he was known to yell or complain after losing matches, something that is very taboo in the formal atmosphere of a sumo match.  Also in July tournament of 2003 Asashoryu pulled the hair of his opponent, which resulted in his immediate disqualification.  He has also been accused of breaking a mirror of a rival’s car. 

Unfortunately these scandals only serve to tarnish the career of what otherwise would be one of the greatest wrestlers Sumo has seen in its 700 year history.