River travel in Germany and Austria

Just got back yesterday from a family trip.

Five of us took a week long river cruise from Nuremburg, Germany to Vienna, Austria.  It was, on the whole, much better then I expected.  C and I like to try and do as much as possible while we travel.  The river cruise forced us to relax and take it easy.  Too be honest it was nice not having to re-learn public transportation systems, search for hotels and restaurants etc.  Towards the end however, C and I joked that we felt a bit like cattle- wake up, eat, be herded around, eat, rest, eat, sleep and repeat.

Nuremburg and Vienna were the only larger cities we visited.  We also had a day in Salzburg and the rest were tiny, picturesque towns along the Danube.

While the trip itself was quite nice and we were lucky to have near perfect (if COLD) weather for the entire trip.  However, on the trip to and from central Europe, Murphy was a constant traveling companion.

On the day we left for Europe, we hired a shuttle bus to take us too the Airport.  The appointed time came and went, so we called the company.

Turns out that the driver scheduled to take us simply decided not to show up to work that day and another driver was on the way.  So we waited for the new driver, but he still did not show up.  So we called the company again, and turns out the driver was lost.

After the driver shows up and we pile into the van, he runs completely up and over a curb while making a right hand turn.

Then we see him constantly fussing with a GPS rig.  Apparently he had absolutely no idea how to reach THE AIRPORT.  So we had to give him directions and nursemaid him all the way to our gate.  He also had trouble staying in his lane, and almost side swiped a semi-truck. (My parents still gave him a tiny tip, however, my tip to him was to learn to friggen drive.)

Then at the check in counter the clerk decided to only print four out of the five sets of boarding passes, and getting the situation fixed became a fifteen minute ordeal.

Of course, C is hasseled repeatedly at every security check.  One of the problems is that she changed her name when we married.  Airport security personnel, possessing an average IQ equivalent to that of a Rhesus Monkey cannot understand the large, bold printing that reads “Passport amended; see page XX” – where it states that her legal name has been changed.  After explaining to them, and on occasion, their supervisor, the simple matter that C has had one of her legal names changed, she still got pulled out of line at almost every leg of our journey.  Either they check everyone that is even the least bit unusual, or they are perverts looking to pester a beautiful woman.  Personally, I think the latter explanation is correct.

Then of course is the actual flight itself.  My parents paid for this trip, and the tour company told them that this was a Lufthansa flight.  We were happy with this because, as I have previously mentioned, American based airline companies are bottom of the barrel. 

This was not exactly an outright lie, as the last leg (hour) of our trip was on a Lufthansa plane, making it, technically, a Lufthansa flight.  (More on this later)

The other fourteen hours (LAX to SFO, SFO to Frankfurt) were on United Airlines.  The 747 we flew on from Frisco to Frankfurt was old.  (To be honest, every United 747 I have been on seems to have been old enough that one could expect stone spear heads to be uncovered if they ever bothered to renovate)

The in flight movies did not work.  Now airplane movies are generally mediocre at best, however I did not realize how important they were in helping one to forget that one is trapped in a little tube with four hundred strangers suspended a few nautical miles in the air.  By hour nine somewhere over the Atlantic the various cabins of the plane had descended into Lord of the Flies-esque inter-tribal warfare.  (I tried to seize power as war-chief but my long legs and the fully reclined seat ahead of me conspired to keep me pinned securely in seat 58-e.) 

Needless to say, morale was not improved when they announced that due to some mistake, a full supply of food had not been stowed, and that it would be really nice if some people could volunteer to not eat.  I volunteered to eat one of the flight attendants instead.

When we finally arrived in Nuremburg, we were pleased to discover two things.  One is that my father’s luggage was missing.  Two, is that my wife’s brand new, hard shell suitcase was destroyed.  One corner was entirely punched in.  On the other side, there was a large crack.  The entire exterior, that just a few hours before had been a shiny metallic silver, was now covered in black, red, and green stains. 

Now, the one silver lining in all this.  Remember how I said that since the last leg of the flight was on Lufthansa, it was technically a Lufthansa flight?  It also means that we got to deal with Lufthansa baggage service.  My father’s bag magically appeared in his cabin just a few hours after we left the airport.  My wife get fully reimbursed for her destroyed bag and it took only a couple of minutes at the Lufthansa baggage service.

More on the rest of the trip tomorrow.  This post is turning into a full length novel.

Flying the Unfriendly skies.

We made the mistake of flying an American airline company to travel to the U.S.

Before, when traveling between the U.S. and Japan, C and I would always buy an American Airlines ticket.  Not that we ever wanted to fly on American Airlines- but, every time we flew AA before, we actually rode on a Japan Airlines jet.  So we got JAL service, a far superior product, for the slightly cheaper AA price, plus we could rack up JAL frequent flier miles.

This sweet arrangement has ended apparently.  This time when we flew back to the States, we rode on a combination JAL/AA flight.  However, we had the misfortune of riding on an AA jet.  (I feel really bad for the poor saps who bought a more expensive JAL ticket but were suckered into an AA flight.)

In addition to the lack of free alcohol (and I generally try to recoup the cost of my ticket on international flights by consuming an equal value in liquor) The AA flight we took was like spending a day in a rest home.  Well that is not a fair comparison, and I apologize to rest homes everywhere. 

The average age of the flight attendants was maybe 65 years old, and most of these golden girls didn’t look a day under 60.  At least one of them was old enough that she probably got her start as a flight attendant for the Wright brothers.

Now, I do not have anything against senior citizens in the work force, as long as they can do the job.  However these flight attendants, in addition to being incredibly surly, asked their customers on more then a few occasions to assist in their duties.  I do have to admit that the plane seemed very new.  It was so new in fact, that the food they served on the plane probably outdated it by at least six months.

My biggest complaint however, was about my carry on.  I play a Japanese musical instrument slightly smaller then the average guitar.  On the AA website they claim that guitars would be allowed as a carry on bag.  I contacted the airlines and described the instrument, its dimensions, and the flight I was taking to make sure I could bring the instrument as my carry on bag.  They replied saying that it would be no problem.  Of course, when I got to the gate, I was forced to check my instrument.  In addition to being lied to when I contacted AA, the staff member at the gate insulted me and laughed at me for being indignant about insisting on bringing on my carry on.

So my question is, why does the U.S. government insist on bailing out the airline companies?  It is not just American Airlines that has poor service, in the last two years I have had the misfortune of flying United and Southwest as well.  I have flown on several different companies from several different countries.  Airline companies based in the States have an almost uniformly poor service.  In fact, everyone I know that flies more then once a decade does everything they can to avoid flying on a U.S. carrier.  The airlines do not need more bail-outs.  They need to offer a service worth buying.

Next time I have to cross the Pacific if faced with the choice of taking a U.S. airline or swimming, I think I would try the latter.

All I need now is my “00″

In about fifteen hours I will no longer be a resident of Japan.

I found out that the only way to not to pay the expensive residence tax is to give up my visa.  At least getting a residence visa in Japan is no where near as difficult as getting a residence visa in the States.

On the way back from getting a few odds and ends tied up, we were delayed by a good ninety minutes.  This was due to a traffic jam caused by a tiny fender-bender of an accident.  When I am delayed that long by traffic, I want to see blood on the asphalt.  Ok, I do not wantto see blood, but I didn`t want to be held up in traffic either.  I just want to be able to say “Ok, I was held up by thirty minutes, but that guy lost part of his hand.  Thus the cosmic balance is restored.”  I mean, if I am inconvenienced in the slightest, I at least want a decent reason for it.  Rough guidelines for maintaining karmic balance between other`s tragedy and my inconvienince are as follows-

30 min delay- massive vehicle damage.

1 Hour delay- Maiming.

2 hour delay- three words “Orphanage bus fire.”

My wallet currently holds $50 U.S.,  200 Euros, 5,000 yen and a random assortment of British Pounds, Thai Baht, Korean Won, and Chinese Yuan.  It also contains various IDs in Japanese and in English.  I feel mildly like a secret agent, though, obviously not a very well-funded one. 

Neither C nor I are looking forward to another trans-Pacific flight.  At least we can say our biggest concerns at this point is weather or not they will let me take my shamisen as my carry-on and weather or not the in-flight movies are any good.  Obviously, things are not going too poorly.  Next time I update will be from the states.

Teaching in Japan: The Silver Lining of Nova`s collapse

Hubris.

I have been avoiding writing about the Nova scandal but it is no longer impossible to ignore the elephant in the room. For those of you who do not know, Nova is the largest English conversation school (eikaiwa) in Japan. With roughly seven thousand foreign language teachers and staff in its employ and nearly 420,000 students. Wait a minute…sorry, all of that should have been in the past tense.

Nova, the eikaiwa giant, is no more, and no amount of cuteness in its pink bunny logo can save it now.

Over the last few months the company has been disintegrating and now it seems there is no hope of a recovery. Its staff is basically unemployed, many of whom are still owed their salary from August. Nova, a company that advertised on television, in the airport, and was a nearly ubiquitous feature in Japanese train stations, had reached nearly iconic status. Shortly its rotting corpse will be thrown on the trash heap of history and I say good riddance.

I do salute the loyalty of the staff members who have worked diligently for months without pay, but I have to point out that it was pretty dumb to do so, considering how terribly Nova treated their employees. I have a lot more sympathy for the students who, for the most part, pay upfront for expensive year long contracts, and now, for the most part are basically screwed out of their money.

Nova`s main problem was hubris. It controlled nearly 50% of the Eikaiwa market with a widely recognised brand. Apparently it thought it could get away with a number of shenanigans indefinitely. After talking to several (ex) Nova employees it seems that the primary criteria for being hired at Nova was having a pulse. Until recently its core curriculum was apparently centered around a series of texts written in the 1970`s to teach English to Mexican immigrants living in America. Obviously this was a good choice because Spanish is so very similar to Japanese. In addition, students were not tied to any one teacher, making it impossible to tailor a class to the needs of any individual student. To overcome this problem, Nova created a rigid, factory like curriculum that while forcing untalented, uninterested teachers (of whom there were many) to teach at a minimum level, it also forced talented, dedicated, hardworking teachers (of whom there were many) to teach at a minimum level.

It was a great way to build customer loyalty, locking customers into a long, expensive contract (but a relatively cheap cost per lesson) for a barely acceptable product. If they wanted out they were refunded a fraction of their money.

There are also several rumors that long term, experienced and higher paid teachers would not get their contracts renewed in order to be replaced with newer, inexperienced, and lower paid instructors. The fact of the matter is that average full-time salaries have been falling for several years. With the government mandated minimum of 250,000 yen a month that can only mean that experienced teachers are being replaced with new blood. In addition to that, Nova in recent years has been increasingly avoiding the regulated minimum wage by hiring “part-time teachers” who were worked just shy of full time and paid a subsistence level wage. In addition to that Nova teachers were apparently defrauded as standard practice. Moving into a new apartment is quite expensive in Japan, with landlords frequently requiring up to six months rent as a deposit. So Nova rented out apartments and sublet them to their employees. The catch being that they would cram three strangers in a two or one bedroom apartment and charge them (for example) 35,000 yen/month each when the total rent on the apartment could be as low as 70,000 yen/month.

What a great way to build employee loyalty. Seriously. The fact that their staff did not abandon the company like rats from a sinking ship when their first paycheck was held says a lot about more about the character of their staff then it does about the management of the company. Or gullibility. Or both.

So what is the silver lining? Well, not a whole lot to be honest.

There is a chance, however slim, that this could be a good thing for language students in Japan. Nova was the 800 lb gorilla in the Eikaiwa biz. Without Nova, perhaps the industry can evolve from an expensive hobby staffed by tourist-teachers into one that provides meaningful instruction in foreign languages.

The main question is will the now-wizened Japanese consumer seek out and demand qualified and talented instructors, and be willing to pay for a quality product, or will they be duped again by a cute mascot and deceptively low prices?

Living in Japan: Turning on the Cold

Japanese people insist that Japan has four seasons. If you hear them tell it, Japan just might be the only place in the world that has four seasons. Where I live in Japan, however, this is patently false.

One question I am frequently asked here is “Do you have four seasons in your home country?” To which I reply “No, I am from southern California. We only have two seasons, pretty warm and kind of warm.” However, what they do not want to hear, is that southern Japan, at least, really only has two seasons as well- uncomfortably hot and humid and uncomfortably cold and dry. There is, at most, a two week transitional period between the hot and cold seasons. These two week periods are labeled “Spring” and “Fall” respectively. (Or Autumn, if their first English instructor was from the U.K.)

No, compared to some places the summers here are not that hot, nor are the winters that cold. However, most buildings in Japan are not properly insulated. In addition to that, traditional Japanese architecture was designed when there was no air conditioning and is meant to be as cool as possible in the summer, and most dwellings still follow this general plan. What this means today is that during the summer, you are almost always hot and winter means you are almost always cold.

Many people, especially Canadians, do not really grasp this concept, and they say “Ha-HA! I am from Canada where in the winter it gets down to minus one billion degrees! You Americans just do not know what cold is!”

Well the fact is that they do not know what cold is, either. Most places where it gets cold, really cold, in the winter, people move from their heated homes to their heated garages, get in in their heated cars and drive to their heated offices or stores.

There is a reason that electronic, heated toilet seats sell so well in Japan. A general lack of insulation along with a reliance on kerosene heaters mean that if it is zero degrees outside, then when you wake up to use the toilet early in the a.m…. that toilet seat is most likely a roasty toasty zero degrees as well. In the words of one foreigner living in Japan- “Wow… where I am from we just heat the whole house.” I have, on occasion, found the inside of my freezer to be slightly warmer then the rest of my apartment. The refrigerator was down right toasty.

Of course, in the office the thermostat is run by the boss. All bosses only have two settings on their thermostat- way too hot and way too cold. Which they use depends both on the season and if the boss is actually present in the office. If the boss is present in the office, then the thermostat is always set so that in winter people are passing out from the heat where in summer, the occasional case of frostbite is not unknown. If the boss is not present, then the settings are reversed- During winter at most, a single candle may be used for heat, but only after the temperature has dropped below freezing. During the summer the aircon may be employed, but the thermostat must be set at thirty degrees Celsius. This is because companies in Japan view their workers like family, and as everyone knows, most people hate their family.
Since I have returned from Europe, the weather started as rather warm, but day by day the temperature is dropping and I am looking forward to a nice, warm California winter.

Japanese Music that doesnt Suck: The Blue Hearts

Japanese music has largely not penetrated the consciousness of the west. And for good reason- the vast majority of it is pretty darn terrible. A nearly endless parade of unremarkable female singers singing forgettable songs about interchangeable boyfriends. Now, don`t get me wrong, most music that is made anywhere is bad, but most Japanese pop music has melodies so trite, lyrics so saccharine sweet, that even June Cleaver would call it lame.

Ok, its hard to get away from the lyrics that, when translated into English, would make the teeniest of teeny-boppers cringe… But there are a few bands worth listening to. One of these is a punk band from the late 80`s and early`90s called The Blue Hearts.

While they still occasionally suffer from the sappy-lyric syndrome, they did manage to get themselves banned from television for a year due to their habit of cursing between songs and spitting on a camera. In addition to their relatively harsh sound, a lot of their popularity was due to the energy and charisma of their lead singer, Komoto Hiroto. (His charisma stemming largely from the fact that he acted like a total crack head on stage, yet very humble when he gave interviews.)

Unfortunately for them, their sound was ten years out of date by the time they started playing and the era of punk music that they would have been perfect for had already passed them by. But in a country that is notorious for carefully scripting and crafting every aspect of a public figure`s life and performance, they are one of the few examples of a musician able to do largely what they wanted.

The band broke up in 1995. The lead singer reformed a band called The High Lows, then a succession of increasingly obscure bands. His insistence on only playing music that he wanted to meant that his sound was increasingly irrelevant to the people that actually bought albums and concert tickets.

Here you can find their two biggest hits- Train Train and Linda Linda.

Being to belt out either one of these at a karaoke bar in Japan will make you be crowned karaoke hero for the night. 100% guaranteed.

My personal favorite is Jyounetsu no Bara (Rose of Passion)

Travel Tip: Just say no to traveler`s checks

Recently my wife C and I spent seven weeks in Europe. Unfortunately we had to carry most of our money in the form of travelers checks. All I can say is that I wish we could have just said no.

We ended up taking many travelers checks because here in Japan, many banks do not have integrated ATMs. That is, generally, customers cannot use their ATM card at another Japanese banks ATM, let alone internationally. In order to get a bank card that can be used in properly networked cash points requires a special, expensive account at only the largest national banks. Which of course, have few branches and fewer ATMs out here in the country side.

So we decided to go with American Express travelers checks. The Yen/euro exchange rate at the time was very favorable and we thought it would be worth it to lock in the good exchange rate as well as avoid the hassle of setting up a new account in a new bank that we could draw funds from internationally. (Let alone the hassles that invariably come from a foreigner trying to set up an account.) So we converted a fat stack of Yen into Euro in the form of Amex travelers checks.

American Express advertises that it has thousands upon thousands of locations world wide where you can cash your checks without commission.

As far as I was able to ascertain, this is a dirty, rotten lie.

While there are many, many places to cash travelers checks, there are very few places that will cash the checks without some form of commission. Most places want to charge a 2-5% fee in addition to a 5-10 euro surcharge. So not only do you pay a fee when you buy the checks, you get hit again when you want to actually use them. (Very few places, outside the most overpriced of tourist trap stores, will actually let you use travelers checks “like cash”)

While you could indeed cash them without any charge at (most) Amex offices, and a few other companies (usually) like Travelex usually let us cash them without fees, finding a place that didn’t want to charge a 5% commission was a huge hassle. Even some Amex buildings, like the one in Barcelona would only cash them with a commission. Other cities, like Milan, simply had no Amex facilities. Well, Milan HAD an Amex storefront, and we got directions to go there. When we got there, however, we discovered that it had been closed down.

Even when there was a place that you could cash the checks, like they advertised, for free it was still far from easy. In Florence I had to wait nearly two hours in line in order to cash some checks. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. After all, when you are traveling in another country, who would not want to spend hours waiting in line to cash their checks.

The net result of this was that when we could find a place that we could cash our checks and not lose our shirt in the process, we would cash very large amounts at a time.

Which means, of course that we had to carry rather large amounts of cash at a time, which was exactly what we had hoped to avoid by buying travelers checks in the first place.

If I didn’t bring my ATM card that is tied to an account in the U.S. a few times C and I would have been in real trouble.

When we travel again, will we carry travelers checks? Possibly, if we get a chance to lock in a very favorable exchange rate, or we were going someplace where we knew they wouldn’t be a problem. Other then that they seem to be mostly pointless. Sure there are ATM fees to consider but overall it seems that travelers checks are going the way of the dinosaur

Sumo Explained, or the Joys of Fat Men Bumping into Each Other.

A dirt circle. Two hugely fat men dressed in diapers. Another guy that looks like he just stepped out of a Harry Potter movie. What is this? Ah yes, the sport of Sumo. The only sport listed in the top 10 of greatest things ever.

Sumo in its modern form is about 700 years old, originating as a Shinto (Japan’s native religion) ritual for the Fox god. The modern sport still retains many of the original rituals. The objective is simple, to throw your opponent out of the ring, or make him touch the ground with a part of his body other then the soles of his feet.

Sumo is divided into professional and amateur divisions. There are no weight divisions. Sumo tournaments are held every other month and run 15 days each. A professional wrestler will compete every day, amateurs, every other day. The typical sumo wrestler begins full time training at the age of fifteen, as high school is not compulsory in Japan.

Ranks in sumo are very fluid. After each tournament, a committee examines each wrestler. In a tournament, a record of 8-7 means that the rikishi`s standing can improve. A record of 7-8 means the rikishi`s standing can drop. If he improves enough his record enough, he can advance to a higher rank. If he maintains a poor enough record, his rank can drop. The only stationary rank is the highest- yokozuna. yokozunas that cant perform consistently well any longer are encouraged to retire. Everyone else, however, rises and falls with their standings based primarily on the last few tournaments. Rise high enough or fall far enough and the wrestler may even switch between the professional and amateur rankings. The bottom of the professional rankings makes about $150,000 a year. The top of the amateur rankings makes $15,000 a year. Professional wrestlers get to spend their time out side of training eating, drinking, and making love to beautiful women. Amateurs spend their time cleaning and cooking and washing those many hard to reach nether regions the professional rikishi in their stable.

This combined with the fact there is no off season creates a tremendous amount of stress on the rikishi. In other combative sports, the participants get the chance to reach peak physical condition. In sumo, with its bi-monthly tournaments, rikishi can never rest or stop training. Turf-toe? Dislocations? You train. Just had surgery? Other athletes would get the rest of the season off, and nearly a year to heal. A rikishi might get two or three months. Many simply cannot handle the constant physical and mental stress. It is not uncommon to hear that a rikishi has run off and joined a cult. Asashoryu, the senior Yokozuna, is himself in the midst of a Britney Spears type melt down. No shaving of heads or pierced nipples yet, but he seems determined to ruin his career, even though he may be (have been?) one of the greatest wrestlers ever.

Winning a tournament is simply a matter of winning a greater number of matches then anyone else. If there is a tie at the end of the last day, a simple tie-breaker match is held. The winner gets such fabulous prizes as several hundred kilograms of rice, a hundred kilos of beef, and a variety of fresh produce. No, I am not kidding. I am not certain what one does with enough agricultural products to feed an average family for a few years. Wrestlers are fat but jeez….

Yokozuna, is not “The Champion” per se (though the title does translate to “grand champion”) but simply the highest rank of rikishi. Yokozuna, as mentioned before is the only set rank. Once a wrestler is promoted to Yokozuna, the only way out is retirement. The criteria for being promoted to Yokozuna is as difficult as it is simple- win two consecutive tournaments while holding the rank of Ozeki. He also has to have a suitable character. This last bit was used to prevent Konishiki Yasokichi (Hawaiian born Samoan Saleva`a Fuauli Atisano`e) from ascending to the ultimate rank- he would have been the first non-Japanese Yokozuna in history. Konishiki is what most people think of when they think of sumo wrestlers. At a slim, trim, and svelte 600 lbs he was the heaviest rikishi ever, and nearly double the weight of an average wrestler.

The next highest rank is that of “Ozeki” and while this translates to “champion” it does not require winning a single tournament. Why? I do not know. I think the Japanese enjoy making things difficult for the sake of making things difficult.

Here’s a video of Ama (Mongolia, 215 lbs) vs. Baruto (Estonia, 379 lbs)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPqQDKxRrfg

Ama, though the smallest professionally ranked Rikishi, is very successful and tends to bounce around the middling professional ranks. As you can see, there is no weight divisions whatsoever in Sumo. So back when Konishiki (the big Samoan) was competing, he frequently was facing opponents less then half his size.

Here is the very popular Takamisakari (Japan). People love him because hes a little undersized for a rikishi, he has a very boyish personality, and the fact that he is myopic, and virtually blind in the ring. The biggest reason however, is he marches like a robot in and out of the ring, beats the crap out of himself just before the match begins and generally acts like a complete dork.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMKoDmi6fxo

Here’s a full clip. These guys are low rank nobodies, so they do not get as much time to prepare. The leg lift and arm thing is to show they aren’t carrying any weapons into the match. The salt and the stomping is to purify the ring. The waving of arms and displaying their crotch is to show they aren’t concealing any weapons. Higher ranked rikishi get more time to try and psych each other out. They also get to wipe their armpits with a towel and then rub their face in it. I think they use the smell to try and drive themselves into a berserk rage. I could be wrong, however.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvHpXRnM250

One thing that you may notice is that the referee does not start the match. The two wrestlers themselves, supposedly when all four hands are touching the ground at the same time. In practice, however, this is rarely the case and jumping the gun is fairly common.

If there is interest I will delve deeper into that king of sports- Sumo.

Living in Japan: The only word you need to know.

Near mastery of the Japanese language comes from the mastery of just one word. Seriously. You may think I am pulling your leg… but I am most definitely not.

“But what about all those language books? What about people who study the language for years? Surely the entire language cant be reduced to just one word!”

I say, however, that it can. All those books and language courses covering verbs? Kanji? Grammatical structure? It is all just a gimmick to extract more money from you, the unwary consumer.

Sure, if you study the language in depth you may be able to understand and appreciate the subtle nuances of the Japanese language. However, as my mastery of the language increases I have discovered one inconvenient truth.

Like most speakers of the English language, many speakers of Japanese have little to say that is very interesting.

For a long time when speaking with people in English, I have found it is far more interesting to not listen to what they have to say, but rather carry on an imaginary conversation. Either that or play Tetris in my head, a game at which I am becoming quite proficient. (In my head, not in real life.) Now, more and more, I find that I am forced to do the same things when speaking Japanese in order to preserve my sanity. The more I study Japanese, the less return I get from my investment. In this article, I seek to give you, the reader, maximum return for minimum investment.

If I were to write a book on learning the Japanese language, it would contain one thousand pages. One page would contain text. The other nine hundred and ninety nine would just be pictures of samurai swords (nihon-to!) and Sumo wrestlers.
(Because the only thing in this world cooler then Sumo wrestlers and samurai swords are Sumo wrestlers with samurai swords.)

So I can hear you already yelling at your screen, impotent with rage- “What is the word, that we may too, have an absolute mastery over the Japanese language?”

The word is “Chotto.”

Technically, it means “little” or “a little” but in reality it means so much more.

For example say someone asks you “Would you like some more tea?” you can reply with “mmmm…. chotto.” Which is shorthand for “Yes, thank you for your offer, I would indeed like some more tea, please.”

Or if someone asks you to a social engagement to which you are unable or unwilling to attend, you can reply with “(sucking air between clenched teeth) … cho-ttoooo…” which is shorthand for “Thank you very much for the invitation, but I am sorry to say I must respectfully decline.”

Or if you see someone about to inadvertently put themselves in danger you can yell “Chotto! Chotto chotto!” which is shorthand for “Excuse me, but you are about to commit an act in which I fear you may place yourself in physical danger. Please take another moment to reconsider and to pay a bit more attention to your immediate surroundings.”

Or perhaps you are at a club with your significant other, and an interloper is becoming far to familiar with your date you can give them a stern “CHO-tto!” which, of course, is shorthand for “Pardon me, but I must say that you are becoming a bit friendlier with my date then I feel exactly comfortable with. If you do not cease and desist post-haste, I am afraid I will have to resort to fisticuffs to resolve the situation and to protect mine and my romantic partner`s honor.”

Or perhaps, after failing yet another game of Tetris you could express your frustration with a heartfelt “choottooooooo…” which is a convenient shorthand for “I must say, after much study and preparation, I feel my progress is not what it should be. I lament yet again at the unfairness of life, and while all is rosy and fair with all the other inhabitants of this glorious celestial sphere, my life is the nexus of all sorrow and pain. My only recourse is to write bad poetry, wear second hand clothes, and listen to untalented musicians.”

There are many other uses of the word “chotto” but you will simply just have to wait until my thousand page book is published.

Teaching in Japan: Learning to write the number “5″

I am embarrassed to admit it, but it took me twenty three years before I learned how to write the number 5.

I blame my public school education.

My fives looked like fives alright. But, you can imagine how shocked and appalled I was to learn at the age of twenty three that my fives were not fives at all. Yet this condition had persisted from elementary school through university. The most embarrassing part is that it took an eight year old to correct me.

I had just recently started teaching English in elementary schools and I thought I had finally gotten a handle on teaching children and the basic cultural differences between Japan and America. The lesson was supposed to be a simple one- I had already taught basic numbers and we had moved on into learning how to tell time. Their regular teacher was supposed to have brought a clock for me to use, which of course had been forgotten. So, I improvised by writing times on the white board. When I first wrote that ill-begotten five, I knew something was wrong. A murmur raced across the thirty-odd fourth graders. Their teacher, never the friendliest or the most helpful of people looked on disapprovingly. Not realizing the problem, I moved on with the lesson even though this unusual reaction to a simple number had me slightly unnerved.

You see that what I was writing indeed resembled a normal five for all intents and purposes, I had not written it in the correct manner. This of course, made all my efforts simply futile. The Japanese used a writing system based on Chinese characters. Since the Japanese use roughly two thousand of these characters in their day-to-day life, one can imagine that it is quite a feat to memorize enough to be functionally literate. In order to help memorize these characters and have the average person produce something legible, each stroke of a character must be written in a very specific order. In the broad strokes (pun intended) the order is top to bottom, left to right.

Since this is the proper way to write kanji (the aforementioned Chinese characters) it is also applied when writing the Latin Alphabet. In Japan, students are taught to write the down stroke and curve of their five first. Then lift their pen and draw the horizontal bar, starting from the vertical bit, and going out. I draw my fives in one stroke, like an “s”. Thus the battle lines were drawn.

After the class finished, as the students returned to their class their teacher informed me of the grievous error I had committed. Diplomacy not being one of my strong skills, I told her as politely as I could given our mutual language barrier, to piss off. (Did you think Selfrighteousjerk is a title I gave myself?)

Obviously this wasn’t acceptable.

On my next break I returned to the teachers office, unaware of the ambush that awaited me. As I entered the room, I noticed the vice-principal waiting by my desk. A very forceful woman, even under the friendliest of circumstances she made it clear, to the best of her ability, that my fives were absolutely one hundred percent unacceptable. I made it clear, to the best of my ability that I did not care.

Was there a problem with my penmanship? No. Did my fives not look like proper fives? No. I failed to grasp what the problem was, and therefore I refused to accommodate their wishes just to fit in.

The vice-principal, on the other hand, persisted in her position that my fives were not real fives at all.

After a few minutes of insisting us insisting that the other was wrong, the argument began to get quite heated and soon, the vice-principal stormed off in frustration, while I sat down to enjoy a victory coffee.

My sense of triumph, and my victory coffee was cut short by a summons to the principals office. As I changed my regular slippers for principal`s office slippers, I prepared myself for round two. (In Japan, they don’t wear their shoes inside of school buildings, either.)

The principal of the school was an older man nearing retirement, and the first level headed person to be involved in the situation. He explained, to the best of his ability that it was important for the students to have consistency from every teacher. Still not understanding his point, I relented.

But now I think I do.

Western culture has firm roots on Greek philosophy, where Japan is not. In America we believe that what something looks like, and what it is does not have to be the same thing. If, for example, a hiker in the states was to wear a full suit of brand new alpine gear, he could expect to receive a few giggles in his direction. After all, if he was a real hiker, he wouldnt need to try so hard, right? In Japan this just isn’t the case. Everyone wears a uniform, all the time. Students wear their school uniforms, salarymen wear their identical suits with identical haircuts. Thuggish Yankii (from the word Yankee) wear track suits and housewives wear their aprons. Even Yakuza (mobsters) maintain an easily spotted dress code and haircut.
With very few exceptions, everyone wears the uniform of the group they identify with. The idea of a “poser” simply isn’t something that is given too much thought.

Of course, following this episode, only one thing changed. Having no other option and refusing to submit, I resorted passive-aggressive tactics and began to prepare my board before class where I could write my fatally flawed number five without harassment.