Near mastery of the Japanese language comes from the mastery of just one word. Seriously. You may think I am pulling your leg… but I am most definitely not.

“But what about all those language books? What about people who study the language for years? Surely the entire language cant be reduced to just one word!”

I say, however, that it can. All those books and language courses covering verbs? Kanji? Grammatical structure? It is all just a gimmick to extract more money from you, the unwary consumer.

Sure, if you study the language in depth you may be able to understand and appreciate the subtle nuances of the Japanese language. However, as my mastery of the language increases I have discovered one inconvenient truth.

Like most speakers of the English language, many speakers of Japanese have little to say that is very interesting.

For a long time when speaking with people in English, I have found it is far more interesting to not listen to what they have to say, but rather carry on an imaginary conversation. Either that or play Tetris in my head, a game at which I am becoming quite proficient. (In my head, not in real life.) Now, more and more, I find that I am forced to do the same things when speaking Japanese in order to preserve my sanity. The more I study Japanese, the less return I get from my investment. In this article, I seek to give you, the reader, maximum return for minimum investment.

If I were to write a book on learning the Japanese language, it would contain one thousand pages. One page would contain text. The other nine hundred and ninety nine would just be pictures of samurai swords (nihon-to!) and Sumo wrestlers.
(Because the only thing in this world cooler then Sumo wrestlers and samurai swords are Sumo wrestlers with samurai swords.)

So I can hear you already yelling at your screen, impotent with rage- “What is the word, that we may too, have an absolute mastery over the Japanese language?”

The word is “Chotto.”

Technically, it means “little” or “a little” but in reality it means so much more.

For example say someone asks you “Would you like some more tea?” you can reply with “mmmm…. chotto.” Which is shorthand for “Yes, thank you for your offer, I would indeed like some more tea, please.”

Or if someone asks you to a social engagement to which you are unable or unwilling to attend, you can reply with “(sucking air between clenched teeth) … cho-ttoooo…” which is shorthand for “Thank you very much for the invitation, but I am sorry to say I must respectfully decline.”

Or if you see someone about to inadvertently put themselves in danger you can yell “Chotto! Chotto chotto!” which is shorthand for “Excuse me, but you are about to commit an act in which I fear you may place yourself in physical danger. Please take another moment to reconsider and to pay a bit more attention to your immediate surroundings.”

Or perhaps you are at a club with your significant other, and an interloper is becoming far to familiar with your date you can give them a stern “CHO-tto!” which, of course, is shorthand for “Pardon me, but I must say that you are becoming a bit friendlier with my date then I feel exactly comfortable with. If you do not cease and desist post-haste, I am afraid I will have to resort to fisticuffs to resolve the situation and to protect mine and my romantic partner`s honor.”

Or perhaps, after failing yet another game of Tetris you could express your frustration with a heartfelt “choottooooooo…” which is a convenient shorthand for “I must say, after much study and preparation, I feel my progress is not what it should be. I lament yet again at the unfairness of life, and while all is rosy and fair with all the other inhabitants of this glorious celestial sphere, my life is the nexus of all sorrow and pain. My only recourse is to write bad poetry, wear second hand clothes, and listen to untalented musicians.”

There are many other uses of the word “chotto” but you will simply just have to wait until my thousand page book is published.